You don't have asthma, your pregnant
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
