Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
