before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
