I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
