Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
