why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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