i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
