she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So much rum. So many feels.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
