im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
