Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
