guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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