Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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