I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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