Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
