dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
