I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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