After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
