My Higher Power is John Stamos
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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