I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
