Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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