he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
