get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
