im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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