the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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