I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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