My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
