Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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