you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
