What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sober January is a disaster.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
