ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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