Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When are your genitals available?
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He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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