Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
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I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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