His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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