It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just pee around me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
