U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
