I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
