Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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