Umm I'm too high to move.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
