Moan for me like Helen Keller
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
