Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
