I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
