dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
