I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
