hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
