Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You pole danced in your parka.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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