it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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