Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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