you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
