im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
