my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
