when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
