I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
