I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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