Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
