I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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