My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
whose parrot is this?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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