i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
