I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
