I want to have your abortion
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
