1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have feelings that need drinking.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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