I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
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I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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