Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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